When will I stop seeing everything through the lens of my brother’s death?

My tradition whenever I travel out-of-state is to buy souvenir t-shirts for the boys of either the major university in town or the major sports team. I was in St. Louis for a conference the past few days, so I picked up three Cardinals t-shirts for my boys. The next day, I went back to the store and bought two more for my nephews.

We experienced turbulence on the plane on the return flight, and I thought of dying and seeing him waiting to greet me at Heaven’s gate.

I had a meeting today with the chiefs of risk management and campus police to review our department’s emergency preparedness plan, and as we talked through the recommended plan of action should someone with a gun ever enter our building … I wondered what he must have felt when he was shot.

I couldn’t figure out how to get to the draft email message that I had saved on my Blackberry, and after several failed attempts of scrolling through menus and feeling increasingly inept, I wanted so badly to call and ask him.

Speaking of said Blackberry, I know he would hound me relentlessly for getting a pink one.  😉

People I meet ask how many kids I have, and although I say three, my heart feels five.

Someone will say, “Hi, how’s it going?” and all I can think to respond is, “Right now, I’m ok.”