The blog site has been down for a while for upgrades, so this is the first chance I’ve had to write in several days.

Sometimes I struggle with giving myself the liberty to really speak my mind here, because I wanted this blog to be uplifting and a source of hope for whoever might be reading it. Back when it was just my diary and no one (ok, maybe 2-3 people) knew it even existed, I vented pretty openly about things in my life that frustrated me. Now that it’s more than just a diary, I’ve filed away some of those posts and tried to focus on writing things that might be meaningful to someone else.

The fact of the matter is, right now, I’m angry. I can’t sugar-coat it, can’t shake it off, can’t pretend like it isn’t there. I’m livid. Maybe it’s high time I admit it and show that I’m human, just like everyone else.

I’m sick and tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around HER. She does not deserve to have this kind of power over me. She is a self-serving, manipulative, professional victim with no one’s interests but her own in mind. The air she breathes is toxic, and she exhales lies. She is the Charlie-horse in my calf … the fleck of mascara in my eye … the thorn in my side.

Hearing her voice on my inbox sends an unpleasant quiver down my spine. I told Lane that if I had an alter ego, her voice would be the trigger to cause me to morph into a super villain. To think that I have to maintain contact with her for the next 14 years … to talk to her, to see her, to have to pray fervently against her caustic influence on the boys’ lives … Argh!!

I’m supposed to love my enemies; pray for them! I do try to pray for her, but it’s so hard to be sincere when she continues to live a life of lies. The “flesh” side of me wants to see her earn her just desserts for the hell she’s put my family through all these years … wants to see her screw up big time and land her butt in the slammer for good. (Even King David asked God to smite his enemies on occasion, did he not?) The “spirit” side of me wants to believe that even she can change … that if she really turns her life over to the God she says she follows, then she’ll quit being stupid.

I understand enough about addictive personalities to know that their behavior is irrational. I also know (when I simmer down long enough to let it sink in) that I have much to learn from this trial, as well. Not that I have any clout whatsoever to compare myself to the apostle Paul, but this is one thorn that doesn’t appear to be dislodging itself from my side anytime in the next decade-plus, so I might as well figure out how to deal with it. *sigh

So, if you’re reading this and I’ve disappointed you by my bald honesty, I’m sorry. I had to get it off my chest, and since punching her in the nose is not a valid option, I had to vent here. Please pray for us – for me – for wisdom, clarity, a gentle spirit and endurance.