Today is a weird day. I’m not in denial; I know that Nathan is gone, and I won’t see him for the rest of my earthly existence. It’s just that I feel like I need to pick up the phone right now and give him a buzz. We haven’t talked in such a long while, and I need to catch up with him. I want to pick on him for not calling me in ages.

… I want to tell him about our garden and listen to his disbelief as I tell him that I, of all people, have managed to keep plants alive! (Lane gets all the credit for keeping the garden thriving, really, but I can still hear Nathan ribbing me for killing a poor cactus in my college days.)

…  I want to explain to him in geekish detail about the cool stuff I’ve made using Gimp and how much I enjoy my virtual store – and know that he’d think it’s cool, too!

… I want to hear him talking about wedding plans so that I can poke fun at him for turning into a mushy, gushy, romantic sap. Then, I want to tell him how much I love Kristen and how thrilled I am to have her as a sister-in-law-to-be.

Then, it hits me: I’ll never have a sister-in-law – not officially, at least. (She’s already and always in my heart.) There isn’t going to be a wedding. The groom is gone. My brother is gone.

As much as I miss Nathan, my heart breaks in these moments for the many other people whose lives were dramatically and permanently altered by his death. I pray that someday his fiancé will find love and joy again and live a long, happy life with a man of her dreams.

I  think about his job and co-workers. I’ve heard stories of how much they relied on his expertise. He would often get calls in the middle of the night to fix this-or-that server such-and-such. His death means a very tangible loss to the company.