We had an old-fashioned “pounding” for our music minister and his new bride after church today. Besides bringing pantry items and recipes to share with the happy couple, we also had a potluck lunch. Yum!

Everyone had a delightful time, so I’m not sure why I felt melancholy as the day went on; my heart was so heavy missing Nathan. Perhaps it was just the reminder of newlywed bliss, the fact that today is Nov. 1 or the thoughtfulness of our pastors for including our family in a special time of prayer at the end of church today … whatever it was, it dawned on me that my brother was supposed to be getting married this month — two weeks from yesterday, in fact.

I miss Lane, too, of course — but it doesn’t really seem like he’s been gone that long. After all, he just flew out yesterday. Besides, I have a date on the calendar when I know to expect him home. The way I miss Nathan is an unquenchable longing — knowing that no matter how much I ache to see him, I can’t – and I won’t, at least not this side of Glory.

The irony is that Nathan missed my wedding. He was involved in a serious roll-over accident and fractured his neck two nights before our wedding day. He was just released from ICU the morning of our ceremony. Instead of changing into our going-away clothes at the church, we went back to the house in our wedding garb so that he could see me in my gown.

I didn’t have expectations of actually being in the service at his wedding this fall, but I was so excited for him. I was thrilled about being there with him and congratulating him on finding me a sister-in-law who is extraordinary in every way.

Experiencing his birthday come and go in August was difficult, and celebrating his boys’ birthdays in July and October was bittersweet. In fact, we were talking about birthdays today. Riley just had his, and Ryan’s is coming up. Riley looked up at me and remarked: “Mine and Donovan’s Daddy missed our birthdays this year.” I leaned down to his eye level and nodded, then I said, “Who knows – maybe he and God had a birthday party for you in heaven!” I’m not sure that’s a theologically sound suggestion, but it made the five-year-old smile, and that was the objective. He grinned and nodded, then got up to go play.

It’s those moments of matter-of-fact observations that hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I guess it’s just that seeing a date on my calendar right around the corner and realizing that I’m going to a football game instead of my baby brother’s wedding simply makes me sad.

Not long after the wedding that won’t be is Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then January. A year. God has given me strength to make it through each day, thus far; who am I to doubt that He’ll let me down now? Thank you, Lord, for the people in my life who have woven a safety net to catch me on the days when everything around me felt like I was free-falling.