I attended a great workshop on diversity earlier this week. One of the subtopics was gender differences, and we spent some time talking about conversational rituals. I was fascinated by the research that has been done in this area.

Boys (>>men) have a tendency to oppose &/or challenge each other in a playful way or by playing devil’s advocate. As a mom of boys, I see first-hand the constant one-upping that they do! One of the videos made me laugh as it showed several boys talking about how high they could get something to fly in the sky, and each one was trying to think of something higher than the one before. Finally, one boy said, “Well, I can fly it all the way to God!” and all the little boys were in awe.

Girls (>>women), on the other hand, use conversation as a way to connect, to find similarities. They tend to look for ways in which they share things in common. They make more eye contact and use body language to demonstrate that they are paying attention.

One conversational ritual that girls tend to do has really opened my eyes these past few days. We make ritual apologies. I caught myself doing it about a dozen times yesterday! We say, “I’m sorry” for things that need no apology. It’s just a conversation smoother – another way to empathize with the person we’re talking to. If someone comes into my office to sit down and I have to move a few papers from the desk, I say I’m sorry.  It would have been appropriate to say simply, “Here, let me move these papers out of your way.” If someone is exiting the elevator as I’m getting on, I step aside and say I’m sorry instead of “pardon me” or nothing at all – just a polite smile.

The researcher noted that while we often don’t realize we’re saying “I’m sorry” as frequently as we are, other people pick up on our apologetic cues, and it could be detrimental to how people view us professionally. If we make a habit of saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing, then over time, other people could begin to see us as mousy and insecure, not as a leader or manager.

A few girlfriends and I have agreed to call each other on the carpet when one of us apologizes unnecessarily. Perhaps together, we can eliminate this potentially damaging ritual from our daily conversations.