We hear a lot about mentoring. Even the Bible talks about Paul mentoring Timothy (and others), and the Old Testament mentions the importance of passing down wisdom to the next generation(s). Professional development organizations exist to help people network and advance in their careers. Why, then, is it so difficult to make a mentoring relationship work? Is it just me? (If it is, I’m going to start taking it personally.)

 

For at least the past seven years, I have sought out three different mentors at work. Each one fizzled out, for one reason or another. Either she was never available to meet (once every month or two is all I asked), she left the university for another position, or I felt like a pest for suggesting meeting times and not getting any response, so I finally quit asking.

 

Less formally, I have tried meeting other women for lunch to get to know them better, make friends, learn about their careers and “network.” Although I have gotten to know a few acquaintances better this way, none of the lunch dates have evolved into a strong friendship or mentorship. The last one I asked never replied, so I took that non-response to mean that she’s too busy.

 

I’m tired of the chase; it reminds me too much of dating.

 

After all of the let-downs with my previous attempts, I thought I had something to look forward to. I had a lunch date on my calendar for next week, and I’ve been excited about it for over a month. I have a mental checklist of things I’d love to ask her and know about her. I am hoping to glean some insight from her about my own career interests. This is a lady who I admire greatly: a mom and a scholar who seems to balance it all deftly. Well, her assistant just called to reschedule our lunch … to next month. *sigh. I know she’s busy; I’m not angry, just disappointed.

 

It’s not just the women, either. Granted, I’ve sought out women, in particular, as mentors because I thought it might be awkward to have a male “mentor,” per se, but I do have male colleagues who I respect and value their input. One of them meets with me a couple of times a year and asks about my research interests as we prepare for a joint presentation that we conduct nearly every fall/spring semester. He has been a tremendous influence and encouragement to me and someone I would consider a mentor, in a broad sense. The problem is that we don’t talk between presentations. I try to keep him updated by email with news articles of mutual interest, but he seldom responds. I asked him once if the articles were helpful, or if he’d rather I not send them (I didn’t want to overrun his already-bursting inbox). He assured me that they were great, but he just didn’t have time to follow up on them.

 

It just makes me wonder … what do I want? Should I accept that a couple of times a year is the best I can hope for with a mentor? I think that I want to transition from Development into higher education leadership, the faculty track or nonprofit administration, but I don’t want to be so busy that I can’t take time for other women who look up to me. (I’d like to think that there might be a few who do.) At the very least, I hope that I’m never so busy that I don’t have time to return an email.

 

On a side note, I need to share that I do have one really terrific mentor, my co-pastor. She and I meet before church a couple of times a month to pray and talk. I appreciate her guidance on a spiritual level, and I know that I can be open with her about what’s going on in my life. I do value our relationship, but I don’t think it’s the same as having a professional mentor. I can talk to her about frustrations in my marriage and brainstorm plans for Life groups, but I need someone I can bounce ideas about my career and research.