I’m filing this under “Grief” because I don’t know what else to call it. I try to keep the tone of this blog fairly upbeat, yet I want to be authentic. I know how very, very blessed I am. I have so many things for which to be thankful, and I am. Yet, at the same time, I feel defeated and disappointed right now.

How can such a paradox exist in my heart?!

I feel defeated by processes that are in motion all around me that affect me directly, yet I have no control over them. I feel helpless to influence the outcome. For eight hours a day, I struggle to discover what else I can possibly contribute, when it feels like I’ve already done all that I can do. It’s a deflating experience for a Straight-A kiddo like me to come face-to-face with the cold, hard fact that I can’t meet expectations.

I also feel disappointed by gestures that might have made me feel appreciative months or years ago, but now they just … don’t.

One thing that keeps me grounded is writing the weekly prayer devotionals. It helps me to focus on something outside of myself. Of course, kids are good for that, too. They give me plenty to think about every day! I’m trying not to dwell on my frustrations … they seem so pale in light of larger tragedies in the world …