One of the things I enjoyed most about writing the prayer devotional blogs in the early days was that only a handful of people knew I was the one doing it. It was kinda fun to fly under the radar and catch snippets of overheard conversations here and there when people would mention the insert in the Sunday bulletin or the post on the church’s Facebook page, etc. It’s not really a secret now, especially since my pastors have mentioned it from the pulpit several times, in reference to that week’s sermon. Don’t get me wrong — it’s very kind of them to give a shout out, and I’m always happy when there’s a clear cross-over between the devotional and that week’s message, but it’s still a little embarrassing to be called out during church.

We recently had a new gal at our Tuesday morning Life group that meets at a local fast food joint for coffee/breakfast before work, and it was nice to visit with her. I had met her and her husband before, but I’ve not gotten to know them very well, so I asked her to tell me a little about herself while we waited for others to arrive. She made a comment that she felt like she knew me pretty well, since I am “a public figure” in the church. I laughed it off at the time, but I’ve been thinking about her comment for days.

It’s true that I’m a leader in the church, and I sometimes have a more visible function, like when I teach a Crosstraining class (discipleship training), occasionally speak or pitch in as an elder by helping lead a ceremonial service of some sort or another, but most of the time, I try not to draw attention to myself. It caught me a little off-guard to be referred to as a public figure, since that has a somewhat different meaning in my academic world. I’m not an elected official or government appointee, but I guess, in a way, I am still somewhat of a familiar face in the crowd to which she was referring.

When you realize that you no longer fly under the radar, it’s a little disconcerting to discover that every “blip, blip” on the radar screen could be someone scrutinizing your life. I don’t feel that way in my church family, really, because it’s a very loving and welcoming environment. But still, there is a sense of pressure, I suppose, to toe the line and set a good example. (Although, I guess I’ve always had that expectation, self-imposed or otherwise.)

It makes things complicated, though, when I face issues in my personal life that I don’t particularly want to discuss (in detail, at least) publicly. For example, I’ve been writing an annual Christmas newsletter since the early 2000s, and my family and close friends expect it (they’ve said as much!) each year between Thanksgiving and New Year. Knowing that there will be major changes this year, I’m already thinking about how I might explain the situation. Will some be offended that I didn’t tell them personally? Will they judge me? I’ve even been wondering about when/how/if to mention it here. I mean, it’s my own blog, after all, but still … I care [probably too much; it’s an inherent flaw of mine] what people think.

When your life is an open book, there aren’t any secret chapters. Besides, my closets are too crammed full of clutter to hold any skeletons.

I’ve been telling people in person as it comes up in conversation or seems like the appropriate time to mention it. The fact of the matter is: I’m getting a divorce. I opt not to go into nitty-gritty details, but I trust that if you know me very well at all, then you know that I’m not exactly the spontaneous type, so this isn’t a spur-of-the moment, knee-jerk reaction type of deal. I also hope that you’ll withhold judgement and pray for all of us, instead. The kids have taken the news well, and as odd as it may seem, I think our funky family dynamic contains the most resilient bunch of amazing boys on the planet.

Trust me, I get that this isn’t God’s ideal arrangement, but I trust that he still has a plan for me/us, regardless of our shortcomings (which are not one-sided, of course). I’m keenly aware of his grace, more than ever, and especially when I realize that my life is more of an open book than I previously thought. I am grateful for the support that I have received along the way, as well as the accountability from prayer partners.

Going forward, I’m not sure what to expect. I’m planning to just keep doing what I’m doing, in all aspects of my life, until I feel like God is leading me to shift gears. We’ll see what the future holds … one day at a time.