There have been scant occasions in my life when I felt very confident about what next steps I should take, and only once or twice when I felt absolutely certain. I am a fan of C. S. Lewis’ notion of common sense, and I generally follow the rule of thumb that if I’m seeking God, then he’ll direct me where I need to go, even if it isn’t clear ahead of time. It can be maddening, though, because I like to dream and brainstorm and plan.

Before I left for Brazil, I submitted the final version of my portfolio, which is the culmination of my academic, professional and civic accomplishments and involvement since I began the doctoral program. Putting the extensive document together was a feat that took months; in reality, I’ve been working on it for two years. The most difficult part of the process was completing the goals section, because my department chair expected me to be specific about my career objectives. Putting on paper what I want to do in my career was harder than I expected. (In the end, I made up a position that doesn’t currently exist, but it sounded like a good fit for me, if it did.) It’s not that I am a poor planner or lack goals, but I feel like I am at a crossroads, and I have felt this way for a couple of years now.

Don’t get me wrong: I am utterly grateful for my job, and I enjoy what I do and the people I get to work alongside every day. But, do I want to spend ~20 more years in this position? People keep asking what I plan to do when I finish my degree, and I simply don’t know. I’m not just sitting on my haunches waiting for something to fall into my lap; I’m trying to learn and grow in my job, and I’m ambitious in other ways. I’ve applied for research opportunities, sought out venues to publish my work, and I plan to teach part-time again in the fall.

Now that I’m just a few weeks away from being ABD (all but dissertation … or, tongue-in-cheek: all but done!), I could probably apply for teaching &/or research positions at other colleges and universities, but there are so very many strings attached here. I suppose other places also offer tuition remission for dependents, but that is certainly a HUGE factor keeping me here. There’s also the fact that my folks are nearby, and as independent (read: stubborn) as I am, I readily admit that I need and appreciate their help. Add the single-again factor into the mix, and relocating across the country or around the world by myself with five kids sounds like a positively loony idea.

So, when people ask what I want to do, I’m guarded in my response, because my answer is hedged in by all the reasons that I need to stay put. I would absolutely love to do research and write, but those opportunities are few and far between [here] for an interdisciplinary, applied-research degree like mine. There’s a possibility that a full-time teaching position might open up at the community college within the next year, which wouldn’t involve relocating, but it would mean walking away from a more comprehensive tuition benefit for the kids where I currently work.

I’ve been thinking a lot about James 1:2-4 (MSG), a reminder that I need to hear again and again: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

I had hoped that by getting out of the ordinary (and away from the pressure) for several days, I might glean some insight from God while I was in Brazil, but he worked on me in other areas — like my pride (ouch), which I’ll share more about on Sunday. I’m still feeling clueless about so many things, so until I sense God saying otherwise, I’ll just keep on keeping on.