My friend’s husband was involved in a serious motorcycle accident a couple of nights ago. He has irreversible, catastrophic damage to the brain stem, and they are removing life support tomorrow morning. I don’t remember exactly how old he is, but I think mid-to-late 40s.

It breaks my heart to think of my friend losing her spouse and their daughters losing a dad. Reading updates about his condition the past couple of days has unearthed very painful, anxiety-ridden feelings and flashbacks of the days immediately following my brother’s accidental death.

I remember several people commenting how composed I seemed or how well I seemed to be holding it all together. That’s how my friend seems right now: keeping people posted on plans, methodically arranging visits from family & friends, taking care of her girls.

People don’t see the quiet times when the walls close in. When people say, “Be sure to take care of ‘you’,” and you are not sure you remember how. When the memories, the regrets, the wishes, the images fly through your mind’s eye too quickly to dwell on any one thing in particular. That split-second when you wake up the next morning and think that maybe, just maybe, it was all a terrible dream.

I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her that I understand, but honestly, I don’t. I don’t understand her depth of grief. I don’t understand how she is processing the flood of emotions and decisions that are facing her in this moment, nor those that will confront her tomorrow morning or in the days to come.

Thankfully, the dark moments are fewer and farther between nowadays. It always gives me joy to remember that my brother got a matinee admission to Heaven, and the bliss that he is experiencing with our heavenly Father eclipses any measure of grief and pain that I may be feeling.

This week’s sermon was on “Radical Love” as part of a series called Radicalis, which means “rooted.” One of the worship songs before the sermon really struck me, but I’m drawing a blank on the name. It mentioned being our brothers’ keeper and reaching out in love to others.

The phrase “brother’s keeper” comes from Genesis 4, when God interrogates Cain about his missing (ie, murdered) brother. I’ve always thought of the phrase in terms of looking out for someone or keeping them out of trouble. The song and sermon yesterday made me think of the phrase in a different light.

It’s been a very long time since was capable of intervening to keep my little brother out of trouble. The one time that comes to mind off the top of my head was when I threatened to beat up a bully on the schoolbus for picking on Nathan. Funny how the tables turn, seeing as my “little” brother outgrew me not too long after that incident, and he was quite able to stand up for himself. Likewise, I had no real say in his decisions growing up – the friends he hung out with, the things he did or the girls he dated. I gave him plenty of unsolicited opinions, mind you – lol! However, my role – if anything – was more advisory than that of “keeper.”

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, except to say that the song encouraged me in the service, of sorts, that we’re doing for Nathan now. Raising his boys and loving them as ours gives honor to his memory. It may not be the same situation as warding off a bully from the schoolbus, but it’s my way of looking out for his best interests. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. It just gives me joy to remember Nathan in unexpected ways like yesterday’s song & sermon.

Last but not least, I couldn’t talk about how to juggle life raising five monkey boys without mentioning the amazing helpers who have stepped up and offered to help.

A couple of times a month, I get a phone call or get stopped in the hallway at church by a friend who says, “Hey, our Life Group is doing dinner for you next week. What night would be good?” It’s been going on for a few months now, yet it never ceases to blow me away. What a blessing! Between adding my two nephews to the mix and having our oldest turn 10 & develop a bottomless stomach in the process, cooking for all those boys can be challenging. (Don’t remind me that they’ll be teenagers in just a few years. *Note to self: Buy stock in Sam’s Club!)

My mom … WOW … where do I begin? Not only is it immeasurably wonderful that she and her husband live in town now, but she has been a-maz-ing in her willingness to pitch in. She comes over and does laundry, grabs my grocery list from the side of the fridge when she heads to the store, helps to pick up & drop off from karate and doctor’s appointments … and I even noticed today that she’s been watering my plants. (She’s probably been doing so for a while, thank goodness, or else they’d probably be dead since I just now noticed! lol)

Then, there’s the encouraging reminders from friends & family who call or write just to say that they’re thinking of me or that they’re praying for us. It means a lot and is always appreciated. It’s also a humble reminder to me that I should pray for others. It’s easy to get wrapped up in my own survival mode and forget that other folks need prayer support, too.

Please don’t take that last post to mean that I’m always in the right mindset, because there are certainly times when I lose my temper or say things I shouldn’t. It’s a goal, and I won’t be perfect at it on this side of heaven, but it’s something to strive for.

So, besides having a proper mindset, how else do I juggle the chaos that is my life?

When it comes to raising any number of kids – but definitely with these five! – I would have to say that discipline and consistency are key. I’m still learning this parenting thing … and we haven’t even hit the teen years yet, so I know there is still plenty to learn! However, some things that we do now that seem to be working, and since so many people have asked how I manage it all, I figured I’d share some tactics with you:

Make the punishment fit the crime. I’m not against spanking, but there’s a time and a place for everything. We had a family meeting about a year ago to discuss penalties for certain misdeeds. The boys helped to decide what type of problem should get a time out, privileges taken away, spanking, etc. If someone is going to get a spanking, it is not a surprise; he knows full well what he has done. Spankings are usually reserved for physically harming someone else — biting, kicking, hitting, throwing something at them, etc. Before anyone gets a spanking, we ask them why they are getting it and make sure they understand the seriousness of what they’ve done.

Depending on the infraction, they may have to write lines (for name-calling or back-talking) or give up a toy/game for a period of time (for fighting over it or throwing it in a tantrum). Someone may be separated from the group and made to eat dinner alone in another room for saying that dinner “looks gross” or for spitting on his plate.

Recently, we’ve had a few cases where someone had to come inside and play alone in his room because he kept hollering or bullying outside and couldn’t play nicely with the others. To resolve a mutual squabble, they usually have to apologize (sincerely and repeatedly, if necessary, until it sounds sincere) and hug. If they ride bikes or scooters past “the line” in the driveway that no one is allowed to pass, they are grounded from anything with wheels for the rest of the day &/or the next day. Most of these “minor” issues are pretty well policed; they keep each other in check.

Be consistent. It aggravates me to no end to hear a parent in public threaten their child with such-and-such punishment, when you know that they are not going to go through with it. Kids are smart; they can read parents and know when they are serious and when they are blowing smoke. If you tell a kid that he can’t play video games until Wednesday, then by golly, don’t cave on Monday!

Give Kudos. Equally important to the punishment aspect of discipline is praise. I think all of us could find more opportunities to give our kids props for a job well done, but I really do try to do this as often as possible. When I have a moment with just one or two boys, even if it’s just in passing, I try to hug them or ruffle their hair and tell them I love them. In the car, I recognize a quiet minute by thanking them for not being rowdy while I’m driving. When a big kid assists a little brother, I thank him for being a big helper. I take pictures with my phone and email them to Dad on the spot or post them on Facebook and then show them the page so they can see where I bragged on them.

Are there any other discipline tips that have worked for you that I didn’t think to mention?

Enough people have asked over the past year or so that I figured perhaps I should spend some time thinking it through … how do I manage the grief/stress/chaos of raising five boys with a husband in a war zone? Usually, I just shrug and answer, “One day at a time,” or, “Today, I’m ok,” or, “I haven’t tarred & feathered anyone yet!”

But in all seriousness, how do I do it?

First and foremost, I think it’s a mindset. I’ve talked before about how I feel that my life is not my own, and although I admit that has been distressful at times, I think it can be a healthy mindset, given the right perspective. When it’s not all about me, it’s easier to deal with challenges.

People often say that “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” If you can find that verse in the Bible, I’d love for you to share it with me, because it is one that I haven’t read. I’ve read that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear, and I’ve read that we can stand firm in the midst of the devil’s attack, but I have yet to read anything about God sparing us from problems.

Another rose-colored verse that I often hear out of context is Romans 8:28, which people paraphrase to say that “God works everything out for your good.” That sounds so chipper, doesn’t it? We serve a loving God, and he wouldn’t want us to ever have a bad day. True, we DO serve a loving God, but if you read the passage on through verse 29, it says, in a nutshell, that God wants us to be more like Christ. Let’s break that down: Jesus was homeless, not wealthy, had an unsavory reputation among the who’s-who in society and was rejected by his peers. Oh, and not to mention that he totally took the heat for other people’s problems.

With that in mind, I believe that if our challenges lead us into a closer relationship with God, then in his own way, he’s working out that situation for our good … our spiritual good. It doesn’t always mean that things will go as we would like. We don’t have the benefit of omniscience, so it doesn’t do us a lot of good to question God. We just walk day after day in the knowledge that we do have, and we trust faith with the rest.

So, in dealing with grief, stress, the endless energy of five monkey boys, custody issues, [did I mention grief?], work, school, schedules and a deployed spouse, it helps to have a mindset that doesn’t dwell on the negatives but tries to find the many, many blessings in the midst of the drama.

More thoughts in my next post …