The only question that I missed on the written portion of my driver’s license exam asked about the fine for marijuana possession. (The fact that I still remember that disappointing little fun fact goes a long way in explaining why I relate so well to Hermione in the Harry Potter stories, but I digress.) It dawned on me the other day that in the past year, my list of Things I Never Thought I’d Need To Know has grown exponentially.

Who would’ve guessed that I’d need to know the symptoms of “ice” use, contraindications of psychotropic meds and the side effects of meth? Or the explanation for a Motion of Transfer, Motion to Enforce and the differences between managing and possessory conservators?

Sometimes I think I should’ve gone to law school, but then I remember how the hairs on the back of my neck quiver when I hear “her” voice, and I think to myself – there is no way I could deal with people like that day in and day out. I’ve always had low blood pressure, but that job might just do me in. I don’t see how defense attorneys manage it. How do they keep a straight face and calm demeanor when they know full well that their client is a flat-out, manipulative, system-playing liar?

I am confident in where we stand and the records we’ve kept, but just knowing that I have to deal with her constant – and ever more dramatic – issues is enough to make me want to move to Alaska just to get away from her. Of course, I’m joking, but you get the drift. I’m not the one who moves every month or two and never tells the Court or the State my new address or phone number!

It’s times like these that I have to stop and remind myself (or be reminded, as the case may be) that they’re my brother’s kids, and we’re doing this for THEM and for HIM, not for her. That perspective keeps me balanced and helps me speak rationally to the utterly irrational thorn in my side.

Sometimes I need to listen to music that I know will make me cry.

I recently discovered a fantastic open-source sound editor, Audacity, and I have enjoyed ripping snippets of songs from my cd collection to make my own ringtones. I love being able to customize the few seconds of the song that I want, and best of all – it’s free. I love free.

Anyway, in the process of skimming my music library, I found myself listening to ballads of grief, hope and praise – songs like “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl – and tearing up, but I didn’t want to quit listening.

I love the candor, the brutal honesty that cries out to God and says, “I don’t get it, Lord.” It resonates with my heart when I feel like I’m all alone. Even writing that looks a bit odd. I’m never alone. I’ve got five kids. You know the cliche about feeling alone in a crowd? Yeah, it’s kinda like that. Don’t get me wrong – I have a wonderful family; my mom and stepdad uprooted their lives and relocated to be nearby and help us. I also have a wonderful support network at church and with friends from work.

Still, there are moments … evenings … days … when I feel alone in the midst of it all. It is during these times that I lean on songs like “Never Alone” to remind me that God hasn’t changed. He is still present, even if it feels like he’s playing hide-and-seek.

Music can be very cathartic, and now that I’ve had a good cry, I feel like I imagine Bella did in New Moon when she says that the hole in her heart is still evident, but it’s healing.

Lane called today, and they are already looking at dates for summer leave, which is wonderful news. I haven’t told the boys for sure yet, b/c it’s still much too far away. The little ones barely register one week at a time (“Is it stay-home day today?” “Is it church day tomorrow?” “How many days till stay-up-late night?”).

His call came at a perfect time, though, b/c I was combing the calendar this afternoon and looking at schedules for summer camps & whatnot. If plans work out, then the boys will have a variety of fun activities to keep them busy this summer.

We’ve made it just two months and counting, yet I’m already thinking about Lane being stateside for a couple of weeks this summer. It feels like a lot more than two months, but the training in Nov & Dec didn’t count toward the 400 days of the official Orders. I try not to think about the fact that it’s really been 4+ months, b/c it just gets me down. If there is an area in the brain that processes grief, I think mine must be pretty screwed up. I’m still dealing with the loss of my brother, which, thankfully, doesn’t “hit” me as often as it used to, but it’s still heavy on my heart. Add Lane’s – albeit temporary – absence to the mix, and I’m sure my griefometer is out of whack.

Instead, I shall think about the summer and the fun we will have. Lane wants to go on a big family vacation, so I posed a question to the boys that if/when Dad gets to come home this summer, where would they like to go on vacation? They immediately threw out suggestions for day trip locations (amusement/water parks); one said the beach; one said Alaska! That prompted another to say Hawaii. lol! I clarified and said it had to be in the 48 contiguous United States. I was 99.9% certain that someone would say Disney World, but no one did!  😉

In the car this afternoon with Ry & Ri, Ry mentioned that he missed Daddy. I agreed and said that I missed him too, but we need to remember that he misses us just as much as we miss him. I reminded them of when Lane (Dad/Daddy/Uncle Lane, depending on who’s talking) said on the phone the other day that the hardest part of his Army job is being away from us.

Then, Ry added frankly, “You miss Uncle Nathan, too.” I reassured him that I definitely missed Nathan a whole bunch.

At that point, Ri popped up and asked, “Do you miss him more than Uncle Lane?”

Whoa.

I thought about it for a second and answered, “No, not really more … just differently. I miss both of them a lot, but I’ll get to see Lane again when he’s finished with his Army job, and I won’t get to see Nathan until it’s my turn to go to heaven. It’s just a different way of missing them both.”

They seemed to accept that, and the conversation quickly morphed into fantasizing about things they’ll be and do when they grow up.

I came across this photo [from about four and a half years ago] in an old flash drive tonight. It made me smile, so I wanted to share it with you. Gosh, I miss his hugs!!

I believe this is the first time in 13 months that the 23rd came & went without my notice. It dawned on me during the afternoon of the 24th, and I checked my Blackberry to see what the date was. I felt stunned, then pleased, then a little guilty for not noticing the date.

It’s not like I only think about Nathan on the 23rd; it’s just that one date on the calendar that I would like to blot out forever. I guess it’s normal to not think about it quite so much as time goes on. I don’t know why the 2nd of each month isn’t fixated in my mind; his birthday falls on August 2. Speaking of birthdays, I read a very funny birthday blog on Geekdad the other day, and some of the examples were so perfect for Nathan – I wish I’d thought of them for his surprise 30th birthday party!

A couple of the boys and I were watching the Olympics the other night while the others were in the bath assembly line, and I was trying to explain to them about the Canadian ice skater (she ended up winning bronze!) whose mother died just days prior. I could barely get the words out that her mom had died without getting choked up. Moments like those usher in difficult, painful memories to my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the borderline-nauseated feeling that consumed me when I explained to my nephews that their Daddy’s body had quit working, and we wouldn’t get to see him anymore. They didn’t really understand it then, and it will probably be quite some time before they grasp it, entirely.

So, here’s to another month. February is almost over, and before we know it, Easter will be here. Easter may very well be my favorite holiday. What hope we have in Christ!

Until we can worship together in spirit and eternally, I will always remember and love you, Nathan.

It was a rough weekend. The culminating moment came when a little birdie informed me that there was water pouring from the sink onto the floor in the shared bathroom. We were mere moments away from leaving the house for an hour or two to attend a Power Team performance at an area church. (The Power Team is a ministry of athletes/weight lifters who do amazing feats of strength with a message.)

When I walked into the bathroom, there was about a half-inch of water on the floor already and a cascade trickling down the three drawers next to the sink like a waterfall. I lost count of how many towels I laid on the floor to try to sop up the worst of it before my mom arrived a few minutes later with a wet/dry vac in tow.

She approached the situation much more calmly than I felt. I was frazzled, angry and exhausted. “Not Me” had struck again, and this time, it wasn’t just marker on the closet shelf, candy wrappers hidden under the couch or too much toilet paper in the commode. After we vacuumed out the under-vanity drawers and got the floor as dry as possible, I barked at the boys – still not knowing who the culprit was – and sent them to separate rooms of the house until the interrogation could commence.

Then, I had a pity party … a complete I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this blubbering mess. All of the until-now little things that had transpired over the past several days landed on my shoulders in one heaping lump, and I folded. I wanted Lane home, and I wanted him home NOW. I wanted Nathan back, and I wanted him back NOW. I wanted to forget Sunday morning’s sermon about the prodigal son’s father who quickly and exuberantly forgave him.

We didn’t make it to the Power Team show. The big kids were very disappointed, but they [wisely] sensed that it wouldn’t be to their advantage to whine about it. Ry finally confessed to the incident, though Ri was an accomplice. The Preschool Pandemonium Pair thought it would be funny to plug the sink and watch it fill up, *sigh.

Dear Nathan,

You might be astonished by all the things that have happened since you left. Winblows 7 is Microsoft’s newest OS release, and I’m sure you would have more than a few choice words to say about it. Celebrity scandals (what else is new?) have plagued the headlines from Tiger Woods to Congress. Super Mario Bros Wii came out just in time for the holidays, and you’d be pleased to know that the boys are quickly becoming as big of fans as you were back in the day. I got a “nook” electronic reader, to which I think you would give an approving nod. Yes, the world has managed to keep spinning in the year since you left … but I miss you so very much.

Every day I see your inquisitiveness, your smart-aleckness, your tender side and that spark of rebellion in the eyes of those two little boys. They are doing ok, all things considered. Knock on wood, I think we have FINALLY overcome the daytime peeing issue with Ri. It has only happened a time or two in the past few weeks. D. is starting to make a scholastic comeback with the aid of an awesome high school student tutor with whom he really connects.

You would be proud of your sweetheart, too — I sure am! She’s amazing (well, you knew that already). I love her to pieces.

Some days still suck, but we’re getting by and learning as we go. There are days when I need your advice or just want to talk to you. But, I know you know that I love you, and that is enough.

There, I said it. I’d like to rip January out of the calendar and skip from New Year’s Eve to Groundhog Day. Is that asking too much?

Lane left yesterday morning, and it already feels like more than that since he’s been gone. In my mind’s eye, he hasn’t really left, since he’s still stateside (first CA, then WA for more training & briefings before they leave the country). The problem is that since we’re still on the same continent, it doesn’t really feel like he’s gone away; he’s just gone for a little while. We’ve been-there-done-that several times, so it’s no big deal … Yeah, not so much. That little happy place in my imagination lasted all of half a day.

Couple that with the horrible milestone of Jan. 23rd looming around the corner, and I am more than ready for this month to be finished. The crazy thing is, it isn’t just the 23rd that is rough. I think back to “the last time I …” and solidify those memories in my mind. I last saw Nathan at Christmas 2008, so the holiday was hard for many reasons. I talked to him on the phone for the last time after a girls’ weekend get-away to Bryan/College Station with my bff in January 2009. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, that date would be tomorrow. I remember that conversation pretty clearly, mostly because he had a hearty laugh at my expense over something stupid that I had done. Even though I’m nearly four years older, he was much wiser to the world than me! He loved to tease me about the big rock that I live under and what a “prude” he thought I was. He had an “lmao” moment when he found out that his upstanding big-little sister actually did let her hair down now & then! I love to close my eyes and try to remember that belly laugh of his.

Our church is doing a missions project on the 23rd that involves ripping out drywall and doing some interior construction. I think it would be cathartic for me to participate that day! Banging on a hammer all morning might be just what I need to get through the day.