This is the nativity scene that we always had on display at Christmas when my brother and I were growing up. It’s probably as old as I am or pert’ near. If you look at it closely, you will find that most of the pieces have been broken off and glued back onto their bases.

Nathan and I used to like playing with it, even though we weren’t supposed to touch it. We made up our own version of the Christmas pageant and walked the little lambs and donkey around Baby Jesus. I always wondered why Baby Jesus had his hands outstretched; I figured he wanted his Mommy or a blanket or something. After all, that barn/stable sure didn’t look warm to me!

As we were putting away Christmas decorations this week, I enjoyed thinking about this nativity scene and the memories of Nathan that it brought to mind. I took down his stocking along with the others and packed it away until next year. I know we’ll make new traditions and new memories; we already have begun to do so. I hope I will always be reminded of memories of my brother that seemed insignificant at the time, because they are very precious to me now.

I’ve noticed that I don’t write as often when I’m feeling down. Seeing as it’s been a week since my last post, I guess that’s fairly accurate. It’s not that I don’t want to write; I just don’t want to complain too much.

We had a nice time in California, and I am grateful that we had the opportunity to go. Traveling with five kids is very tiresome, though, and the trip was anything but restful.

The pre-deployment briefings were informative but also stark reminders that I’m about to spend a year-plus without my husband at home. As frustrating as he can be sometimes (don’t get me started; that’s fodder for an anonymous ranting blog all to itself), it does make a difference having another grownup in the house to help with the day-to-day routines.

Add to all that the fact that I miss Nathan so much, and now you know why I haven’t felt much like writing this week. Christmas Eve-Eve was always a special, playful day for Nathan & me when we were growing up. We always begged to open “just one!” present early. It has been eleven months since my world imploded, and the ache in my heart today is suffocating.

Bear with me; pray for me; we’ll take one more step forward together.

We had an hour-long snow flurry on Friday, and it was so much fun. A friend of mine at work and I ran a couple of errands during lunch and felt like schoolgirls being giddy in the snow! By the time we got back to work, the sun was shining and there was no indication whatsoever that it had even snowed. Welcome to Texas, y’all!  :p

It’s moments like these when I miss Nathan the most. The boys were SO excited about the possibility of getting snow. Donovan even asked my mom, “Nana – do you think Daddy can see the snow from heaven?” She answered the same way I think I would have, just saying that she was pretty sure that he could not, but that he had so many amazing things to see in heaven already.

My instinct is to want to pick up the phone or jot an email to Nathan and share with him how thrilled the boys were and how they talked endlessly about the snow all evening long.

Dear Nathan,

We decorated the house today for Christmas. I can hardly believe it’s that time of year already, since Christmas was the last time I saw you. I don’t think we’ve ever gone a year without seeing each other. Even when I was gone to China, I saw you after about six or seven months.

I unpacked your decorations box and got out the boys’ stockings. I also found yours, and it brought a smile to my face. I remember when we made them as kids, printing our names in glue and then shaking glitter all over it. I hope you don’t mind, but I hung it on the curio cabinet. I just wanted to see it. I explained to the boys that your stocking wouldn’t have anything in it on Christmas morning, but I thought it would be nice to include it with our other decorations. They didn’t seem to mind.

I also found your brass baby ornament with your name and birthdate engraved on it. I held it and traced my fingers across your name a couple of times. I will hang it next to mine on the tree. Speaking of sorting through your decorations, I can’t believe you – Mr. Organizer – had two large candles just thrown in the box, unwrapped. They had melted and ruined a couple of figurines. Thankfully, they weren’t sentimental, so I threw them away when the boys weren’t looking.

Thanksgiving was nice, but I sure did miss you. Mama made Grannyfanny’s cornbread dressing, and it was scrumptious. I’ve always said that her dressing is probably on the banquet table in heaven. I guess you’ll have to vouch for that, but I reckon it might be true. I made eggnog cookies, and the icing had rum in it! Stop laughing; yes, there is still plenty of rum left … No, I didn’t drink it all! This is the part where you bump me with your shoulder and call me a lush, right? I know you would, you silly goose. I can hear you joking now: “Aww, lookie my prude sister, ‘cooking’ with rum. A little rum for the icing, a little rum for her … a little rum for the icing …” and then I smack you on the shoulder and tell you to stop being a brat.

I miss you like crazy, Nathan. Christmas is going to be hard without you here.

There are aromas that are stuck in my brain, and the very thought of them makes me reiminisce. Some are very faint, yet distinct – like the smell of my Granddaddy’s old, green car. He died when I was in high school, but I am certain that if I smelled that scent again, I would know it in an instant. Others, like the smell of freshly-washed baby, aren’t specific to one person but still bring happy thoughts. Some are food smells, and this time of year brings out the most wonderful ones.

The scent that is on my mind right now is Nathan’s faded Dr Pepper t-shirt. I took it from his closet when we were cleaning out his house, and I keep it in my dresser drawer. I don’t wear it; I just like to hold it and smell it. I haven’t taken it out of the drawer in a while, but yesterday evening I was having a melancholy moment and just wanted to hold Nathan’s shirt and breathe him in again. I was so disappointed to find that it has lost its scent. It just smelled like my other clothes.

Maybe that sounds silly, but I would hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who has kept clothes from a loved one just to smell them again. When I smelled his t-shirt, it made me feel close to him again. I could remember a little more clearly what it felt like to have his strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, to feel his prickly beard nuzzled into the top of my head because he knew how annoying it was to me! I can remember how it felt to press my face against his chest; I just took for granted how he smelled. Now that he’s gone, every sensory recollection seems important. It’s been 10 months – today – since he died. I guess I should have expected that his scent wouldn’t linger forever on an old t-shirt. Oh, how I would love to hug him now.

This is my first birthday without Nathan. He would always send me a silly card, something along the lines of “I smile because you’re my sister; I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!” He would also call at some point during the day and sing to me. He usually opted for the “you look like a monkey and smell like one too” version of the Happy Birthday song.

Today, on my 35th birthday, I have been so blessed with dozens of friendly reminders on Facebook, emails, phone calls and friends just stopping by the office to wish me a happy day. I can’t help but feel a little sad that Nathan won’t be calling to serenade me, but others have gone out of their way to make today a joyful, relaxing, happy day. I can’t thank them enough!

I have a friend who makes a special phone call every year on her birthday – to her mother. She calls just to say, “Thanks for having me!” What a neat idea. Isn’t that what birthdays are about? It’s our reminder, once a year, to let someone know that we are glad they are in our lives. We are glad they exist.

Tonight, I think I will kick back and let my five precious blessings enjoy Stay-up-late-and-play-video-games Night and thank God for another year of existence on this Earth.

We had an old-fashioned “pounding” for our music minister and his new bride after church today. Besides bringing pantry items and recipes to share with the happy couple, we also had a potluck lunch. Yum!

Everyone had a delightful time, so I’m not sure why I felt melancholy as the day went on; my heart was so heavy missing Nathan. Perhaps it was just the reminder of newlywed bliss, the fact that today is Nov. 1 or the thoughtfulness of our pastors for including our family in a special time of prayer at the end of church today … whatever it was, it dawned on me that my brother was supposed to be getting married this month — two weeks from yesterday, in fact.

I miss Lane, too, of course — but it doesn’t really seem like he’s been gone that long. After all, he just flew out yesterday. Besides, I have a date on the calendar when I know to expect him home. The way I miss Nathan is an unquenchable longing — knowing that no matter how much I ache to see him, I can’t – and I won’t, at least not this side of Glory.

The irony is that Nathan missed my wedding. He was involved in a serious roll-over accident and fractured his neck two nights before our wedding day. He was just released from ICU the morning of our ceremony. Instead of changing into our going-away clothes at the church, we went back to the house in our wedding garb so that he could see me in my gown.

I didn’t have expectations of actually being in the service at his wedding this fall, but I was so excited for him. I was thrilled about being there with him and congratulating him on finding me a sister-in-law who is extraordinary in every way.

Experiencing his birthday come and go in August was difficult, and celebrating his boys’ birthdays in July and October was bittersweet. In fact, we were talking about birthdays today. Riley just had his, and Ryan’s is coming up. Riley looked up at me and remarked: “Mine and Donovan’s Daddy missed our birthdays this year.” I leaned down to his eye level and nodded, then I said, “Who knows – maybe he and God had a birthday party for you in heaven!” I’m not sure that’s a theologically sound suggestion, but it made the five-year-old smile, and that was the objective. He grinned and nodded, then got up to go play.

It’s those moments of matter-of-fact observations that hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I guess it’s just that seeing a date on my calendar right around the corner and realizing that I’m going to a football game instead of my baby brother’s wedding simply makes me sad.

Not long after the wedding that won’t be is Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then January. A year. God has given me strength to make it through each day, thus far; who am I to doubt that He’ll let me down now? Thank you, Lord, for the people in my life who have woven a safety net to catch me on the days when everything around me felt like I was free-falling.

I am by no means an expert, but my personal life challenges the past few years have given me a new perspective on how to offer help to someone. I’m still learning how to ASK for help, but I suppose that’s another post – one that delves into my pride and independent streak, so we’ll address that some other time.

I believe that people mean well, and they want to help; they just aren’t always sure how. Whether your friend in need is experiencing health problems, has had a death in the family, is flying solo as a parent or going through a variety of other trials, please allow me to make some suggestions on how to offer help.

Saying, “I’m here for you” or “Let me know if you need anything” are sweet sentiments, and please – don’t get me wrong – they mean a lot to the hearer. Unfortunately, they are also very vague. As the hearer, it’s hard to tell sometimes if the remark is akin to, “How are you?” instead of hello, when you know that they don’t really want to know the honest answer.

Instead, feel free to express your sympathy but also try to offer a specific way that you can assist. Your offer doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything, at all! Acts of service can go a long way to preserving someone’s sanity during a trying time. Making a specific suggestion also helps the recipient not feel like such a moocher by having to ask for help, because you’ve already extended the offer.

Here are some suggestions that you might like to try:

Food: Everyone has to eat, and we Southerners are great at providing bereavement meals, meals for new mothers and post-hospitalization. However, what about the week after the funeral or a month after the baby has arrived? What about seven months into a deployment?

You don’t necessarily need to take a casserole to the family, but perhaps you could call and offer to pick up a few items at the grocery store. If you are concerned about whether they might think of your shopping offer as a gift or not, you could politely say to the person: “Of course I don’t mind picking up a few things for you; I was headed to the store, anyway. I’ll save the receipt so you’ll know how much the cost is.” The recipient should certainly offer to pay, but a comment like that should be a pretty clear hint that you do need to be paid back.

There were days during Lane’s first deployment when I just needed to run to the store for milk or a few small items, but it was late and I didn’t want to load up the kids. I could have called someone and asked them to swing by the store for me, but it would have felt terribly awkward (*note previous remark about how I’m working on this!) to ask for someone to run an errand for me.

One of the coolest offers I’ve ever received is from a friend who hunts. She knows that we aren’t hunters, but she suggested that I could pay for processing if they have any extra deer or hogs. What a great idea, and fewer trips to the grocery store for meat!

Companionship: If your friend has kids, you may not feel comfortable offering to babysit (believe me – with five boys, I can relate). However, perhaps you know that on Monday nights, the local pizza joint has kids’ meal specials. You could call your friend over the weekend and plan ahead to meet up at the pizza restaurant with your family. I can only speak from my own experience, but I very seldom ate out when Lane was gone. There’s just the feeling of being out of place, not to mention the odd looks from people for walking into a restaurant solo with several kids in tow. Or, offer to meet at a park on a Sunday after church and pitch in to bring a picnic lunch together. Let the kids run off some energy and let your friend have some much-needed downtime.

Alone time: Speaking of which, downtime is so important. I’ve learned the hard way that you can only function at peak stress for so long before it begins to affect you physically. Your concentration & memory are diminished, you are more susceptible to illness and your sleep patterns can be disrupted. You might offer to babysit a friend’s child(ren) or make a recommendation to a free or low-cost Parents’ Night Out at your church, etc. It’s amazing how sometimes when you are in the throws of a difficult situation, you want so badly to take a break, but you are in drone mode and just can’t get your head above water long enough to take a gasp of air.

One of the kindest offers of this sort that I have received was when my oldest two boys’ karate teacher offered to have them over for a movie one Saturday morning, then take them over to the school so they could help him tidy up the building. They had a blast, and they got to help him, too! Just having two kids gone for a few hours was a huge relief, and they felt very special for being invited. I have been truly blessed over the years with babysitters who have gone out of their way to support our family, and I can’t thank them enough.

Around the house: This is a tough one, because one’s home is a point of pride, and it’s hard to admit when you are falling down on the job. Maybe your friend has some hedges that need clipping, so you give your husband props for being such a manly-man and suggest that he go over and trim your friend’s hedges for her. Bonus brownie points if he mows the yard! lol! If you are close friends, you may just flat-out offer to come over and help clean house. Or, if you are handy with tools or have a mechanically-inclined spouse, you could jot your friend an email or call her and ask if there are any small repairs that she needs. For example, I can change a tire and use a circular saw with no problem, but I would probably go all year with a burned-out porch light because I’m afraid to climb the tall ladder to replace it!

Encouragement: Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is let them know that they aren’t alone. I have a stash in my file drawer at work of encouraging notes and cards that people have sent me over the years. I don’t keep everything like a pack rat, but some sentiments are so nice to re-read and appreciate all over again. Just tonight, I got an email from a friend who said that she admires me. Wow! That ego boost felt so good, especially on a day when I don’t feel very admirable; on the contrary, l cried off all my make-up, my hair has been frazzled all day, and I spoke snippy to someone … ok, two someones. Just knowing that a) I’m not crazy, and b) someone cares makes a big difference.

Those are some of my ideas & experiences … What are some ways that you have been helped in the past, or how have you helped someone? Feel free to comment and share your great ideas!

I miss the way he answered the phone, “Hey sis – what’s up?” and the way he laughed in a low “heh, heh” with a corner of his lip turned up in a smirk. I miss his weight training updates – I think his biceps were up to 17″!

I miss the way he’d poke fun at me for a new t-shirt or object that I designed for Second Life and then would recommend that I read some techie book on open source programming so that I can write my own scripts. (Because I have free time to teach myself how to program! lol!) I think I still have Linux For Dummies or The Idiot’s Guide to FreeBSD … I can’t remember the exact title, but you get the gist. Playful harassment aside, he was always good to praise me for any new tech-related accomplishment.

What I miss the most, at least in recent days, are his hugs. I was thinking the other day about Grease 2, when Johnny ticks off Stephanie once and for all, and she tells him that she could kiss the next guy who walked through the door if she wanted to. He doesn’t believe her, of course, so she marches over and plants a whopper of a smooch on the unsuspecting, innocent Michael.

I wondered what would happen if I approached some random 6′ 4″ muscular/heavy-set guy and asked if I could please give him a bear hug. Ha! He’d probably think I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind, and understandably so. But still, I want so much to hug Nathan – or at least pretend – and just close my eyes and wrap my arms around his strong chest and squeeze him tight. If I think too hard about not being able to do that ever again, it’ll make me cry, so let’s change the subject …

In other news, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. It isn’t sandal weather anymore, so my poor toes have been neglected. Maybe I can sweet-talk Lane into a foot rub tonight. 😉

I’m so grateful for folks praying for us on Friday. Now that we finally have the official death certificate, my mom and I went to Houston to get the probate process underway. We didn’t get home till after 10pm, but it was a very productive day.

We got the probate papers filed at the courthouse and submitted more paperwork at the bank (I’ll have to go back in person after probate is complete, but I should be able to take care of that on a Saturday morning). We went by my parents’ old church to get the secretary to notarize the forms, which was a double blessing to see the staff and pastor. We also spent some time with my mom’s best friend who has cancer.

We went to the Magnolia police dept to pick up the official report to file with the life insurance, and the chief told us that the detective who reported first to the accident would be on duty later in the day, so we back-tracked to have a chance to talk to her. It was nice, in a painful but cathartic sort of way, to talk to her. She is also an EMT with 13+ years of experience, and she shared with us that when she first saw Nathan, she didn’t even think his wound was fatal, though it’s hard to tell how much internal bleeding someone has. She reiterated what the chief and others had already told us – just how impressed they were at his demeanor and attitude. It makes me so proud of him to realize that he kept his composure to shield the boys from trauma.

We made the rounds between Conroe/Spring/Magnolia and were tired of being in the car by the time we got home, but all in all, it was a fast-paced and very full day. I don’t know that I would call it “closure,” because I don’t expect it ever really feels like it has come to an end, but it was definitely fulfilling to feel like we accomplished something.