Tarring & feathering

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Three of the boys got in trouble today at school/daycare and are subsequently grounded from video games this weekend and not allowed to “camp” out in their rooms, as is our custom on Friday nights.

Ri had gone nearly two weeks without a daytime peeing episode, and three times this week, he’s done it again. He also took off running down the hallway when he was supposed to line up. Ry got in trouble for saying potty words and acting like a baby instead of following his teacher’s instructions. I should be glad that they don’t bite or try to set things on fire, right? Argh – sometimes I just have to keep perspective when it seems like everyday, someone is in trouble.

D. is grounded from the bus for a week b/c he got his 3rd infraction today (standing up & crossing the aisle/switching seats while the bus was moving … first 2 were for fighting). Apparently, it doesn’t matter how far apart the infractions are; they’re cumulative. So, this is the 3rd one of the year.

On a positive note, they all did great at Parents’ Night Out at my folks’ church tonight. I had psyched myself out for the babysitters to tell me that they had problems, but thankfully, they all got high praise.

I’m mentally exhausted from the day. I warned the boys (the three little ones, in particular) that if they wake me up while it is still dark outside tomorrow morning, then they WILL be grounded from tv all weekend.

Walking not by sight

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My vision is terrible, but if you think I’m exaggerating, let me explain. When I put on make-up in the mornings, I use a hand-held magnifying mirror, and I have to hold the mirror so close to my face that sometimes it fogs up when I exhale through my nose. It happened again this morning, and while I was waiting a few seconds for it to un-fog, I remembered something that I did back in high school. I fasted from sight.

My then-boyfriend’s parents were having major marriage trouble, so he and I committed to praying about it. I felt compelled to fast, but I didn’t want to be conspicuous. It’s pretty difficult to skip lunch in high school and avoid rumors about having an eating disorder, so I started brainstorming alternatives. I wore contacts at the time, so I decided to forgo my lenses and carry my glasses for back-up. There’s nothing in the Bible that I can find about fasting from corrective lenses (lol), but I figured God would honor the spirit of my intent.

I went through the entire school day without my contacts – the exception being class changes, because I was afraid I would fall down a flight of stairs. I couldn’t see the blackboard, overhead projector … heck, I could hardly see the back of the kid’s head in front of me! I had to hunch over in order to write, and I had to listen extra-carefully, since I couldn’t see what the teachers were doing.

It was a challenging day, but by the end of it, I felt so triumphant! To my knowledge, I pulled it off – no one knew what I had done, and I felt like I honored the concept of a secret prayer fast. Eventually, my boyfriend’s parents did reconcile, so I like to think that God honored my prayer time that day.

Funny, the things that a little mascara will bring to mind!

One year of one-day-at-a-times

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Dear Nathan,

You might be astonished by all the things that have happened since you left. Winblows 7 is Microsoft’s newest OS release, and I’m sure you would have more than a few choice words to say about it. Celebrity scandals (what else is new?) have plagued the headlines from Tiger Woods to Congress. Super Mario Bros Wii came out just in time for the holidays, and you’d be pleased to know that the boys are quickly becoming as big of fans as you were back in the day. I got a “nook” electronic reader, to which I think you would give an approving nod. Yes, the world has managed to keep spinning in the year since you left … but I miss you so very much.

Every day I see your inquisitiveness, your smart-aleckness, your tender side and that spark of rebellion in the eyes of those two little boys. They are doing ok, all things considered. Knock on wood, I think we have FINALLY overcome the daytime peeing issue with Ri. It has only happened a time or two in the past few weeks. D. is starting to make a scholastic comeback with the aid of an awesome high school student tutor with whom he really connects.

You would be proud of your sweetheart, too — I sure am! She’s amazing (well, you knew that already). I love her to pieces.

Some days still suck, but we’re getting by and learning as we go. There are days when I need your advice or just want to talk to you. But, I know you know that I love you, and that is enough.

I thumb my nose at you, Jan. 23!

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I have this urge to stay up till midnight and defiantly greet Jan. 23 with a sneer, but my body is telling me that I must go to bed forthwith. My sleep schedule is messed up from having been home sick for a couple of days.

Since it would take more than an act of Congress to blot out Jan. 23 from the calendar entirely, I wrote a couple of haikus to mark the day:

The breath within me
Punched out and smothered by grief –
Joy comes with the dawn

—

Mourning this black day
One year, one day at a time
Closer to glory

My sister-in-love reminded me today of one of my favorite verses, Revelation 21:4. It is promises like this that I cling to on dark days. When I have days that I don’t feel like praising God at all and just want to have a pity party, I remember Job and imagine that Satan is taunting God to see how much he can throw at me, and it strengthens me to want to retaliate against the enemy by willfully praising God in the midst of my troubles. God is who he is, regardless of how I am feeling at the moment; therefore, he is always worthy of my praise.

Day 11: What are the odds?

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I’ve been sick for a week-plus. I think I caught a virus on top of the sinus infection for which I’ve been on antibiotics for seven days. Ugh. When Lane calls, which is just about every day since he is still stateside, I want to put on my chipper face and tell him not to worry; things are hunky-dory. Instead, I feel like saying, “Come home and take care of me! Waah!” That wouldn’t do either of us any good, so I don’t say it.

I dreamed that the doctor gave me a prescription for a steroid shot and sent me home with the syringe to administer it myself! Yikes! In the dream, I was psyching myself out to take the shot, and I was counting “1 … 2 …” then one of the boys would pipe up to “help” me count, which would just mess up the sequence, and I’d have to start all over. Craziness.

I’ve had a few of those deer-in-the-headlights moments lately when it dawns on me that I’m raising five boys and my husband is gone for more than a year. My mom has been beyond fabulous in her willingness to step in and help out. She even comes over to help with laundry!! She’s a dear, indeed. Last night, a friend from church offered to bring the kids home from kids’ church so that I could just go to bed and not have to get out again. Praise God for helpers like that.

Quite frankly, sometimes it’s overwhelming to think beyond just getting through today, or this week. I realize that the odds are stacked against us to raise five boys to adulthood who don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or get someone pregnant. Out of morbid curiosity, I did a cursory search for some stats in that regard. Did you know that 70% of kids ages 15-17 have oral sex? Most of the stats I found for teen pregnancy were specific to girls, which is understandable but unfortunate. For example, 40% of females become pregnant by age 20. The web site that provided that statistic also noted that a quarter of sexually active teens will contract an STD. Unfortunately, the one stat I could find related to teen fathers (1:15) references a 1987 study, so that is hardly current information.

Sobering, to say the least. I guess the best any of us can do as parents is to love our kids, talk openly with them (I’m leaning toward an illustrated medical guide to STDs), set boundaries, get to know their friends and – last but not least – pray.

One more son comes home

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It is my utmost privilege as a Christian to have opportunities to share Christ with people who don’t yet know him personally. It is my supreme joy as a parent to be able to have that same conversation with my boys.

No. 2 has been asking questions for a while – since No. 1 got baptized a couple of years ago, actually. Off and on, he seemed curious but it didn’t seem to totally resonate with him. He asked some probing questions this weekend when he was with my mom, and they talked for a while. Tonight, he came up to me in the hallway and said, “I’ve been thinking — why did God make the world, and what’s going to happen to me when I die?” Wow; it can’t get much more probing than that! I told him that I’d like to talk to him some more about it, when we could talk privately, so we did bedtime prayers and tucked everyone in … Dad called right as we were about to do prayers, so he got to join us on speaker phone! … then, No. 2 & I went to my room to talk more.

One of the things I told him was that I lost some family members when I was young, too. I had two cousins who were killed in car accidents (not the same incident) and uncles & aunts who died from one reason or another in a seemingly short period of time. No. 2 was very close to his Uncle Nathan, and I know that this must be weighing on his little heart. He perked up when I told him about the family members I had lost. I think it helped for him to realize that yes, I was a kid once, and I remember what it feels like to be scared. In fact, I explained, it was my fear of dying that led me to ask questions, too.

We talked through the basics, which he already understood; namely, that Jesus came to take our place, because our sins – our bad choices – keep us from God. I said that if you created a robot, it would do anything you wanted it to, because you invented it, but could it ever love you? Of course not. God didn’t create us to be robots. He gave us choices. Sometimes we make good choices, but a lot of times, we don’t. He wants us to choose to love him.

We talked about how you can’t always see “sin,” but it’s kinda like having a sinkful of dirty dishes in your heart. He piped up and said, “Yeah, and Jesus came to make them clean, like a dishwasher!” I couldn’t have said it better myself. I think that’s when it hit home with him.

We prayed repeat-after-me style together, and then I tickled his chest and made a “swoosh-swoosh” sound like a dishwasher. “Uh, Mommy?” he said, pointing at the other side of his chest, “My heart’s on this side.” We laughed and then called to share the good news with Dad, Nana and Grandma.

We also talked about how the Bible says there is a party in heaven when someone accepts Christ. Luke 15:10 is the reference. I have a beautiful image in my mind’s eye of Nathan and the angels gettin’ down and partying because one more son is coming home.

Rejoice with me!

Day Two: A little humor

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Since I was such a sourpuss last night, I’ll share a couple of kid-isms today:

I kept wondering why Ryan was praying for Daddy to be safe if he gets in a car accident, then it dawned on me: “Dear God, please help Daddy be safe when he goes to a wreck.” A wreck. Iraq. D’oh! Time to revisit the world map tonight.

Last night, Riley told me that when he grows up, he’s going to get a gun to shoot all the bad guys in the war. I sat down on his bed and explained to him & Ryan that – yes – Army soldiers are trained to use a gun, if they have to, but there are lots and lots of ways that the Army works without using guns. I told them about how Uncle Victor helped to build schools, hospitals and roads for the people who live where the bad guys blew up things and hurt the people who lived there. The Army is helping to make it a better place for those people to live. I explained how Army people are also doctors and pilots and use computers – like Daddy.

I would certainly support them if they wanted to go into the Infantry, but I also wanted to expand their worldview a little to understand that not all Army jobs are direct combat positions.

Day One: January sucks

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There, I said it. I’d like to rip January out of the calendar and skip from New Year’s Eve to Groundhog Day. Is that asking too much?

Lane left yesterday morning, and it already feels like more than that since he’s been gone. In my mind’s eye, he hasn’t really left, since he’s still stateside (first CA, then WA for more training & briefings before they leave the country). The problem is that since we’re still on the same continent, it doesn’t really feel like he’s gone away; he’s just gone for a little while. We’ve been-there-done-that several times, so it’s no big deal … Yeah, not so much. That little happy place in my imagination lasted all of half a day.

Couple that with the horrible milestone of Jan. 23rd looming around the corner, and I am more than ready for this month to be finished. The crazy thing is, it isn’t just the 23rd that is rough. I think back to “the last time I …” and solidify those memories in my mind. I last saw Nathan at Christmas 2008, so the holiday was hard for many reasons. I talked to him on the phone for the last time after a girls’ weekend get-away to Bryan/College Station with my bff in January 2009. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, that date would be tomorrow. I remember that conversation pretty clearly, mostly because he had a hearty laugh at my expense over something stupid that I had done. Even though I’m nearly four years older, he was much wiser to the world than me! He loved to tease me about the big rock that I live under and what a “prude” he thought I was. He had an “lmao” moment when he found out that his upstanding big-little sister actually did let her hair down now & then! I love to close my eyes and try to remember that belly laugh of his.

Our church is doing a missions project on the 23rd that involves ripping out drywall and doing some interior construction. I think it would be cathartic for me to participate that day! Banging on a hammer all morning might be just what I need to get through the day.

Day 0 or Day 401, depending on how you count

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I think it might be better for my mental health if I start counting from zero (today being his travel day and actual “Orders” beginning tomorrow), rather than counting down from 400 days to when his deployment is supposed to be over. We all know how delays happen, and I can already imagine the sinking feeling when I get to Day -1, then Day -2 … and so on … if he’s not home in exactly 400 days.

Today went pretty smoothly, all things considered. Jeremy told me at least four times that he missed Daddy already. It’s going to be a long year, but we’ll get through. We’ve already been blessed with awesome friends at church and work who have provided meals and babysitting, not to mention the tremendous blessing of having my folks nearby. My mom reported for duty at 0530 this morning so that I could drive Lane to the airport without getting the boys up & ready. She also went with me to pick them up from kids’ church tonight, which was a great help.

Also, a friend at church told me this morning that she was bringing us dinner tomorrow night. Awesome! I love it when someone says, “I’m doing this for you.” It totally takes away any feeling of being a burden on people when you realize that they truly want to help.

Speaking of dinner, I’m so proud of myself for how I rescued leftovers today. The boys are pretty good eaters, on the whole. Aidan doesn’t like many veggies (ok, he likes raw carrots and nothing else), but he knows that he has to eat a little of everything. (We don’t have a clean plate rule, but I don’t allow them to call my efforts “yuck” or refuse to try something, even a bite or two.) On the contrary, three of the boys would rather have salad than french fries, given the option. However, none of them are particularly fond of stew. There’s just something about big chunks of veggies and meat … I have to admit, it’s not on my all-time fave list, either. Anyway, we had some stew in the crockpot that my mother-in-law was kind enough to prep for us yesterday, and I put it in the fridge until today, when I planned to heat it up for lunch. No one liked it. So, while they were busy playing this afternoon, I blended the leftover stew in the food processor and made it into creamy vegetable beef soup. It was a big hit at dinner with grilled cheese sandwiches! Mom: 1; Yuck: 0

Our old nativity

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Our old nativityThis is the nativity scene that we always had on display at Christmas when my brother and I were growing up. It’s probably as old as I am or pert’ near. If you look at it closely, you will find that most of the pieces have been broken off and glued back onto their bases.

Nathan and I used to like playing with it, even though we weren’t supposed to touch it. We made up our own version of the Christmas pageant and walked the little lambs and donkey around Baby Jesus. I always wondered why Baby Jesus had his hands outstretched; I figured he wanted his Mommy or a blanket or something. After all, that barn/stable sure didn’t look warm to me!

As we were putting away Christmas decorations this week, I enjoyed thinking about this nativity scene and the memories of Nathan that it brought to mind. I took down his stocking along with the others and packed it away until next year. I know we’ll make new traditions and new memories; we already have begun to do so. I hope I will always be reminded of memories of my brother that seemed insignificant at the time, because they are very precious to me now.