I am by no means an expert, but my personal life challenges the past few years have given me a new perspective on how to offer help to someone. I’m still learning how to ASK for help, but I suppose that’s another post – one that delves into my pride and independent streak, so we’ll address that some other time.
I believe that people mean well, and they want to help; they just aren’t always sure how. Whether your friend in need is experiencing health problems, has had a death in the family, is flying solo as a parent or going through a variety of other trials, please allow me to make some suggestions on how to offer help.
Saying, “I’m here for you” or “Let me know if you need anything” are sweet sentiments, and please – don’t get me wrong – they mean a lot to the hearer. Unfortunately, they are also very vague. As the hearer, it’s hard to tell sometimes if the remark is akin to, “How are you?” instead of hello, when you know that they don’t really want to know the honest answer.
Instead, feel free to express your sympathy but also try to offer a specific way that you can assist. Your offer doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything, at all! Acts of service can go a long way to preserving someone’s sanity during a trying time. Making a specific suggestion also helps the recipient not feel like such a moocher by having to ask for help, because you’ve already extended the offer.
Here are some suggestions that you might like to try:
Food: Everyone has to eat, and we Southerners are great at providing bereavement meals, meals for new mothers and post-hospitalization. However, what about the week after the funeral or a month after the baby has arrived? What about seven months into a deployment?
You don’t necessarily need to take a casserole to the family, but perhaps you could call and offer to pick up a few items at the grocery store. If you are concerned about whether they might think of your shopping offer as a gift or not, you could politely say to the person: “Of course I don’t mind picking up a few things for you; I was headed to the store, anyway. I’ll save the receipt so you’ll know how much the cost is.” The recipient should certainly offer to pay, but a comment like that should be a pretty clear hint that you do need to be paid back.
There were days during Lane’s first deployment when I just needed to run to the store for milk or a few small items, but it was late and I didn’t want to load up the kids. I could have called someone and asked them to swing by the store for me, but it would have felt terribly awkward (*note previous remark about how I’m working on this!) to ask for someone to run an errand for me.
One of the coolest offers I’ve ever received is from a friend who hunts. She knows that we aren’t hunters, but she suggested that I could pay for processing if they have any extra deer or hogs. What a great idea, and fewer trips to the grocery store for meat!
Companionship: If your friend has kids, you may not feel comfortable offering to babysit (believe me – with five boys, I can relate). However, perhaps you know that on Monday nights, the local pizza joint has kids’ meal specials. You could call your friend over the weekend and plan ahead to meet up at the pizza restaurant with your family. I can only speak from my own experience, but I very seldom ate out when Lane was gone. There’s just the feeling of being out of place, not to mention the odd looks from people for walking into a restaurant solo with several kids in tow. Or, offer to meet at a park on a Sunday after church and pitch in to bring a picnic lunch together. Let the kids run off some energy and let your friend have some much-needed downtime.
Alone time: Speaking of which, downtime is so important. I’ve learned the hard way that you can only function at peak stress for so long before it begins to affect you physically. Your concentration & memory are diminished, you are more susceptible to illness and your sleep patterns can be disrupted. You might offer to babysit a friend’s child(ren) or make a recommendation to a free or low-cost Parents’ Night Out at your church, etc. It’s amazing how sometimes when you are in the throws of a difficult situation, you want so badly to take a break, but you are in drone mode and just can’t get your head above water long enough to take a gasp of air.
One of the kindest offers of this sort that I have received was when my oldest two boys’ karate teacher offered to have them over for a movie one Saturday morning, then take them over to the school so they could help him tidy up the building. They had a blast, and they got to help him, too! Just having two kids gone for a few hours was a huge relief, and they felt very special for being invited. I have been truly blessed over the years with babysitters who have gone out of their way to support our family, and I can’t thank them enough.
Around the house: This is a tough one, because one’s home is a point of pride, and it’s hard to admit when you are falling down on the job. Maybe your friend has some hedges that need clipping, so you give your husband props for being such a manly-man and suggest that he go over and trim your friend’s hedges for her. Bonus brownie points if he mows the yard! lol! If you are close friends, you may just flat-out offer to come over and help clean house. Or, if you are handy with tools or have a mechanically-inclined spouse, you could jot your friend an email or call her and ask if there are any small repairs that she needs. For example, I can change a tire and use a circular saw with no problem, but I would probably go all year with a burned-out porch light because I’m afraid to climb the tall ladder to replace it!
Encouragement: Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is let them know that they aren’t alone. I have a stash in my file drawer at work of encouraging notes and cards that people have sent me over the years. I don’t keep everything like a pack rat, but some sentiments are so nice to re-read and appreciate all over again. Just tonight, I got an email from a friend who said that she admires me. Wow! That ego boost felt so good, especially on a day when I don’t feel very admirable; on the contrary, l cried off all my make-up, my hair has been frazzled all day, and I spoke snippy to someone … ok, two someones. Just knowing that a) I’m not crazy, and b) someone cares makes a big difference.
Those are some of my ideas & experiences … What are some ways that you have been helped in the past, or how have you helped someone? Feel free to comment and share your great ideas!
faith, sweat & tears 