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The catch-22 of relocating

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Q: What do these pictures have in common with each other?

The view from my seats in McLane Stadium, opening football season 2014

The view from my seats in McLane Stadium, opening football season 2014

 

Cedar Canyon: Cedar Breaks National Monument, Utah (photo credit: Google Maps — click for a gorgeous, panoramic photo tour)

Cedar Canyon: Cedar Breaks National Monument, Utah (photo credit: Google Maps — click for a gorgeous, panoramic photo tour)

 

A: Not a darn thing.

 

Actually, I guess that’s not completely accurate. The images above have one thing potentially in common: me.

In the case of the football stadium screen shot, my window of opportunity to renew my season tickets at the brand-new stadium occurred this morning at 10:06am. I had to log on within a two-minute timeframe to select my seats, and since season ticket allotments are already sold out, you could run the risk of losing your seats entirely if you don’t renew during your appointed time.

It’s very exciting, seeing as I’ve been at this university for 10 years, and for most of that time, you could hardly give away tickets to watch the Bears play football, much less sell them. But now, everyone is counting down the days until football season begins! (Even those who don’t care about football are pumped up, because school spirit has never been stronger.)

So, I eagerly logged on and bought my tickets. The catch-22 is that there’s a chance I might not be able to use them, which brings us to the landscape photo. (For my Texas friends: those bumpy things in the background are called mountains.) 🙂

The photo above is a street-view screenshot from Google Maps, which I linked to a breathtaking photo tour of Cedar Breaks National Monument. There are places of such beauty like this on Earth where I think that sometimes God must lean back and smile as he says to himself, “Wow, I’m good.”

The reason I shared that photo is because I’m heading that direction next week for a job interview! I’ll share more details if it actually comes through, but this is a follow-up to a Skype interview that we had last month. It’s for a faculty position and seems right up my alley, in terms of my preparedness and the direction I’d like to see my career go. I like what I’ve learned about the university; the public schools in the area sound good; property taxes are about 4-5 times less than what I’m currently paying; we’re supposed to hit the 90s this weekend, whereas it’s still in the 60s & 70s there … the “pros” list goes on & on.

There are “cons,” as well, and I haven’t overlooked them. The football tickets are a bit tongue-in-cheek, because if it really came down to it, then I could sell them. Besides, the Bears are playing so well now, odds are good that several of the games will be televised beyond just our local region. More important “cons” include leaving family, friends, church, and the sheer logistics of relocating. But, those aren’t insurmountable obstacles, and I’m hopeful that my path will be pretty clear in the coming weeks.

I hesitated to share anything here about the interview, but several of you have been so faithful to pray with and for me over the years, and I would appreciate your prayers for this season of my life, as well.

On the bright side, if the job doesn’t work out, I still have football to look forward to. 🙂

Options?

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I don’t talk a whole lot about the “tears” part of my blog name, except in posts having to do with grieving. I guess it’s because I don’t want to sound like a pessimistic whiny-baby, and besides — I get enough of the “I don’t see how you do it” type of comments as it is, and I don’t want to swallow my pride to admit publicly that sometimes my day flat-out stinks. Sometimes, whole weeks stink. Sometimes, I just want to make it to the next month. Get my drift?

Perhaps I’m fooling myself, but being overly emotional is not typically how I would categorize my personality. I can be emotional, of course, and I feel passionate about certain issues, but I’m also pretty logical — to the fault of over-analyzing things, at times. So, when tears well up in my eyes out of the blue — like driving to work one morning, it makes me pause and think about just how stressed out I am trying to pretend not to be.

I know the Bible verses like Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:6 & 16:3 … verses to remind me that God isn’t going to leave me hanging out to dry, that he has a purpose for my life, etc., etc. I get it. I know it. But sometimes, I don’t feel it, and it’s hard to cling to it.

I don’t talk a lot about money, because a career isn’t just about money, but truth be told, I am actually making less in my current job than I made 10 years ago when I first moved here. I have a master’s degree and am thiiiiiis close to finishing my doctorate, yet my kids qualify for the Reduced Lunch Program. Granted, we’re not destitute, and I am immensely thankful that all the bills get paid each month — even the ridiculous $450 electric bill that arrived in December after a heat pump fried. I’m thankful for the Social Security survivor benefits that have helped bridge the gap since my brother died. Each month comes and goes, and I still manage to make ends meet with some slack left over.

I’m thankful for all of that.

And yet, when I think about the hard work that I’ve invested to improve myself professionally, sometimes it feels like I’m spinning my wheels. I don’t dislike my current job, necessarily, but it isn’t what I set out to do with my career, on the whole. I love teaching (college) and research, but I don’t know what options exist for me anymore. Since the fall, I have applied for 16 faculty positions around the country. One of them — ironically, the lowest position of all (just a lecturer) — was right here in my own university. As each week goes by with no communication from the search committee, it appears that I’ve been passed over from consideration, which stings my pride like plucking my eyebrows. More than one faculty friend has advised that sometimes you have to go away for a few years and then come back to a university before they’ll take you seriously, especially since I did my master’s degree here. Most places don’t often hire their own, apparently.

The other positions aren’t shots in the dark, either; they are professor-type jobs for which I am well qualified. I don’t relish the idea of moving, but what is left for me to do here? There’s a chance that a position will open up next year at the community college where I’m currently teaching part-time, but it wouldn’t provide four years’ worth of tuition remission benefits for the boys like working at a university could. Do I stay in an underpaid staff position (or pursue a different staff role) for 13 more years until the last of my kids graduates from college, even though I’m qualified to be a tenure-track assistant professor somewhere else? Even if that were a feasible option, the odds of being seriously considered for a faculty position after spending so many years away from “academia” are slim to none, and Slim is out of town.

“If God is in it, then it’ll work out.” Right. I totally agree, but I also believed (and still do) that “God was in it” when I decided to move to China in the mid-90s, and that went over like a lead balloon with most of my family. How much more so now, since I have the bulk of the grandchildren on either side of the family?! I run the risk of hurting feelings and sounding unappreciative just by venting about this.

I feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place, for lack of a more creative analogy. If I stay, I give up something significant — my dream of teaching full-time, the chance to pursue my research ideas, perhaps more income. If I move, I also give up something significant — my support network.

It’s been a long week

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Today is the Friday before a one-day workweek and holiday, which means that even yesterday, a lot of folks were out. Classes are finished, so faculty are scarce, and many staff also took vacation time to start their Christmas break early. We’re already shorthanded in my office because of a vacancy, so of course, fires broke out this week with urgent deadlines and needed immediate attention from a skeleton crew around campus.

I was so thankful to see this week come to a close, and even though I’ll be working on Monday before our holiday, I welcome the chance to get some work done in peace & quiet. As I thought about the hectic and rather stressful week, I remembered another deadline-intense job that had nothing to do with being short-handed before a holiday. It was just a miserable place to work …

I was a reporter at a small town newspaper in southeast Texas. I used an Army-surplus metal desk where you had to ground yourself before you touched the keyboard (which was mounted in a metal tray, for some not-so-brilliant reason) and sat in the metal chair. My computer served no purpose other than a direct-to-printer word processor, if you could even call it that. You had to print as soon as you finished typing, and Lord help you if you made a typo and had to start over, because you couldn’t save anything. It didn’t even have a floppy disk drive. I don’t recall what kind of computer it was, but you might say that it was a step above an electric typewriter and a long way from Word Perfect. (Actually, I think I would have preferred the electric typewriter.)

If bad weather was rolling in, you had to type like the wind or risk losing everything — or worse, getting shocked by that horrible machine. Needless to say, the deadline pressure was pretty intense. That job was what I politely now call “character-building.” I couldn’t stand it most days, and it was not what I thought journalism would be like.

Thinking back on that role makes me grateful to be where I am today. Sure, there are stressful days and hectic weeks, but at least the work is fulfilling … and my computer doesn’t try to electrocute me. Perspective! 🙂

Worst-case scenario (Prayer Devotional for the week of August 11, 2013)

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Imagine relaxing at home one evening watching the news, and you receive a call out-of-the-blue from your boss. Your boss says that there was a hostile takeover of your company and you are being laid off, effective immediately. In the background, the newscaster reports that the stock market closed at a record low, and your retirement plan is now worthless. Meanwhile, a neighbor knocks on the door to let you know that a tree branch just fell onto your car and totaled it. While you are talking, a text message buzzes with news from the vet that your dog died. Then, the police show up to let you know that several family members have been killed in a terrible wreck. How would you react to such a horrible chain of events?

A similarly tragic tale unfolds in Job 1:13-19. Job was devastated with grief by all that happened, but v. 22 reveals that he did not disrespect or blame God for his plight. Things got even worse for poor ol’ Job. He became physically ill, and even his wife thumbed her nose at him. He stood his ground, though, and Job 2:10 says again that he did not mouth off about God.

Three of Job’s friends to came to visit him. At first, they sat with him quietly for moral support, but one by one, they became tired of the pity party. They took turns giving Job some so-called advice about his predicament, and it boiled down to his fault. They suggested that surely, he must have sinned against God, or perhaps it was even his children’s sin that led to their untimely demise. Job did not take the criticism lightly, and he pleaded his case and begged for answers from God.

Job’s story is a worst-case scenario that I hope none of us ever experience. You can read more to find out how it ends, but suffice it to say that Job learned a thing or two about trusting God. There is a lot that we could learn from his situation, as well. How we respond in times of trouble can communicate volumes about our faith. Are we critical, complaining and ranting about how the world is always against us? Do we blame others for our “bad luck” and vow to get even someday? Do we listen to the naysayers and turn our backs on God? God is not daunted by our questions, frustrations or fears. Sometimes, though, what God wants to teach us isn’t just about the solution to our problems. It’s about the process in getting us there.