Right now, to be perfectly frank, I’m dealing with some angry feelings toward my brother. I guess it’s the same way you might feel about someone who was in a car accident and died b/c they weren’t wearing a seatbelt. The accident wasn’t their fault, but it was perhaps preventable, in a way. You’ll never really know. That’s how I feel right now – that if he’d been more careful, it wouldn’t have happened this way. Logically, I know it’s pointless to rehash the coulda-shoulda-woulda scenarios, but that’s what’s weighing on my heart right now.

It was also pretty difficult to go through and pack his belongings this weekend. Besides being sore & tired from lugging boxes, it was emotionally draining. I just stood in his closet for a few minutes by myself and smelled all his shirts. I turned on his iPod and listened to his music.

I want to hear him laugh and then set his elbow on my head and call me his “little-big sister.”

I want what I can’t have.