Lately I’ve been wading through the humbling realization that it’s not about me. I still have dreams, desires, goals and ambitions, but it seems that the “I wants” are on the back burner. My life is not my own. Everything hinges on what the kids need, what their schedules are, where they go, what they eat, how they behave.

It’s funny that this no-brainer revelation has dawned on me in recent days, because it’s not like I’ve been free-wheeling for the past nine and a half years since I became a mom. It’s always been about the boys; I’ve just been along for the ride and trying to pedal fast enough to stay ahead of them by a thin margin so that I can lead them in the right direction. I guess it’s the new group dynamic that has me feeling so introspective.

It’s a lot to grasp. I have to rethink how I shop for groceries, my morning and afternoon commute, bath and bedtime routines – the whole kit and kaboodle. Dinner time has me feeling like a short order cook; no sooner do I have a chance to sit down, then someone is asking for seconds. Bedtime has been challenging, mainly because the arrangement is still new to everyone. It’s going ok; it’s just not “routine” yet.

I keep trying to convince myself that I’ll appreciate the quiet, alone time if I will get up earlier in the morning to exercise, read my Bible or just be. I have some quiet time in the evenings, but I’m still winding down my brain from the day, and it’s hard to really relax and reflect.

The apostle Paul’s letter to the Galatians is full of references about being crucified, figuratively speaking. He talks at length about dying to our old selves and living for Christ, because we have a new focus – a new purpose – in our daily relationship with God. I used to think I understood what that means, but now I’m not entirely certain. I think part of it means coming to terms with God’s plan for your life, even if (especially if?!) it seems to deviate from your own plan … or so you thought. I want to come to the point where I can better appreciate God’s detours.