It’s a minute past midnight, and I really should be asleep. Eight hours from now, I will regret staying up to write. I just can’t get my mind to settle down …

Late this evening, we got word from the Magnolia PD chief that the medical examiner’s office has officially ruled my brother’s death Accidental. We, of course, have known all along these past seven months that he would never have done this purposely, but having our knowledge affirmed by the earthly powers that be is a huge relief.

I haven’t shared much about this, and it isn’t the sort of thing that I would normally Tweet about, post on Facebook or mention in the breakroom, but if you’re taking the time to read my blog, then you must give a darn and might actually want to hear about it.  *smiles appreciatively … so I shall continue (disclaimer: some potentially disturbing details forthcoming).

The police reports and subsequent investigation (a must-do with a gunshot fatality) confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that somehow, some way, the gun fell, discharged when it hit the floor, shot him in the chest and the bullet lodged into the ceiling. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again that it’s a mixed blessing that he didn’t die immediately. He had the wherewithal to call 911 and the presence of mind to speak calmly and shield his sons from being too traumatized. Every which way I replay that night in my mind’s eye, I can see God’s faithful hand intertwined throughout the details.

The medical examiner (ME) questions any sort of shooting death, naturally. However, when we got wind that the ME was wavering on the conclusiveness of whether or not this was accidental, I was furious. That big sister who once gave a harsh talking-to on the school bus to a bully who was picking on my little brother reared her head, and I felt very protective of Nathan’s reputation – in life and in death.

I thought to myself (and mumbled aloud, I will admit): How dare they question the incontrovertible evidence (sorry, Dumbledore – I had to steal that phrase), not to mention the totally non-suicidal mindset of the brother I’ve known for as long as I can remember? He was exquisitely happy – in love ad nauseum and anxious to get married this fall. He had a good job that he enjoyed and excelled at, not to mention those two boys he loved more than anything on the planet. He had bad days, like we all do, but he loved his life. One of the greatest joys I’ve received in recent days was discovering his Twitter account and reading his posts over the months about how happy he was.

First and foremost, it is reassuring to know that his good name will not be sullied by a twit ME who can’t tell the difference between a shot wound from a gun that has been dropped and one that was fired purposely. Sheesh, I don’t even watch CSI and I think I know that much!

Practically speaking, having this official news definitely helps us to bring closure to his estate (such as it were). His final paycheck, life insurance, etc. have been sitting in limbo all this time, because we could not access any of it without the official death certificate.

None of those things are as important, however, than knowing that someday when the boys are older, we can share with them the absolutely indisputable story of how their Daddy died. There will always be questions for which we have no answers, but this we do know – it was an accident.