I was woken up abruptly from a weird dream last night. Technically, it was this morning – 4:02 a.m., to be exact. My 9yo has been known to sleepwalk on occasion, and that’s who I thought had opened my door and stood there softly crying in the blurry darkness. I tried to wake myself up enough to find out what was the matter. It turned out to be my 10yo, and he was upset because he couldn’t find his glasses. AT FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING?!? I reassured him that I would help him find them in the morning and to please go back to bed without waking up the 5yos. He did, but I couldn’t really sleep after that.

I tossed & turned and dozed a bit, but I couldn’t rest. If I was really good, I would have gotten out of bed and put on the morning yoga video … but no. I stayed in bed and tried to figure out what it was that I had been dreaming about when he came in my room.

When he woke me up, I remember laying (lying? darn, I can never remember which word to use) on my side perfectly still, and I was fully aware of every muscle in my body. In my dream, I was saying to someone, “Even my bones are grieving.” It even felt like pressure on my body, as if I was wearing a brace on my arms, legs … everywhere. It wasn’t that I couldn’t move; rather, I chose not to, because my bones were in mourning. I know that’s weird, but stay with me for a bit.

I have done several word searches in my Bible the past few weeks to try to get a better grasp on grief, and I think this was my brain’s way of working out in my sleep what I was unable to do awake. I’ve shared several instances of loss over the past year and a half; there’s even an entire category of this blog on Grief.

As a matter of fact, this Friday will be exactly a year and a half since my brother died. More recently, I lost an old friend in a motorcycle accident and a former colleague in a car accident. Just the other day, my mom’s best friend – and a dear friend of mine, as well – was released from her long battle with cancer. Even on happy days like today, which is my nephew’s 7th birthday, I am grieving because his Daddy isn’t here to celebrate with us in person.

Grief has consumed me, at times. Grief can get down into your bones.

I looked up some more verses and came across two familiar ones that may have triggered my odd dream:

Psalm 6:2-3:  “Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?”

Proverbs 17:22: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Another grief-related image that I’ve been mulling over came from the new movie The Last Airbender. (Don’t worry, no spoilers follow. Bear with the analogy, notwithstanding the animism, etc. references.) The avatar – or the chosen one, you might say – was seeking counsel from a wise dragon spirit. I don’t remember the exact quote, but in essence, the spirit told the boy that he wasn’t effective to his full potential because he had not yet thoroughly grieved. For a kids’ movie, the depth of that admonition hit me square between the eyes.

For all the many verses as I’ve found on grief and mourning, I’ve found just as many – if not more – on joy. I try to find joy and not dwell on loss, but last night’s odd awakening made me wonder if perhaps I’m not letting myself grieve enough.