identity crisis

I made the comment not long ago that when Nathan died, I lost one of the “constants” in my life. I said that because, well, I honestly can’t remember a time when Nathan was absent from my life. I could make a long list of the many “hats” that I wear: mom, daughter, wife, employee, boss, friend, colleague, volunteer, aunt, niece, granddaughter, cousin … sister. Adjusting to my new identity without a piece that I’ve known all my life feels akin to losing something of utmost value, something irreplaceable.

I’ve never lost a limb – praise God! – but I imagine it might be like that. You can still function, of course, but it’s dreadfully painful and terribly inconvenient. I’ve heard that when someone loses an arm or leg, for instance, they sometimes have phantom pains in the region of the lost appendage. I used to think: How bizarre! … Wow, how I understand that phenomenon a bit better now. When I have these moments of hollow aching, when I want so badly to pick up the phone and call him … it’s my own phantom pain.

I get so focused on the here & now because I have to operate one day at a time for my own sanity’s sake, but when my mind wanders to the future, I feel a pain in my spirit. I think about that inevitable table-turning time in life when children become the caretakers for their parents. I always imagined that Nathan and I would work together and share the load. It would be different, I suppose, if I’d been an only child from the get-go, but now when I think about having to endure all that by myself, it’s enough to send me crawling under the covers. I just have to trust that God will give me strength to get through it, when the time comes. There’s no sense worrying about it now, but I can’t keep my mind from wandering.

I’ve been mulling over some more thoughts on motherhood, but I’ll save that for another post.

HP6 movie review

*spoiler alert: This post contains plot info!

A friend at work and I went to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince at the midnight premiere yesterday (er, I mean, earlier today?). It was phenomenal, and despite our exhaustion today, we had a great time. I joked that I’m getting too old to do this sort of thing very often, but it was worth it last night. Here are some of my thoughts on the film:

Special effects: One word = WOW. The computer enhancement in this movie was unbelievable. I read an article in Wired recently that went behind-the-scenes into the fire effects, and it was uber-cool, so I had high expectations.

The cave scene was just as thrilling, freaky and terrifying as I had hoped. The Inferi reminded me of a cross between Gollum (Lord of the Rings) and Voldemort’s slimy body from HP4 (GOF). I knew it was coming – when the dead hand would reach up from the lake to grab Harry as he dipped the cup into the water – but I screamed in terror, nonetheless.

Fred & George’s shop in Diagon Alley was terrific – very nice effects and a good adaptation of the quirky trinkets described in the book.

Character development: Draco Malfoy is one of those characters whom we love to hate. This film put him in such a light that the audience could better understand the turmoil he was experiencing. The emotion and overwhelming burden that young Draco bore was played out beautifully, if not painfully.

Snape … oh, what to say about Severus? *sigh* Alan Rickman is such a perfect actor for the role of Professor Snape. Now that we know how the series ends with The Deathly Hallows, Snape’s role in this film was all the more poignant. The Unbreakable Oath scene with Narcissa Malfoy was exactly as I’d imagined it.

The boy Tom Riddle was creepy and very well cast, I thought. I loved the morphing effect of his face into Lord Voldemort!

Best dialog snippets: I almost cried when Hermione was having a meltdown on the stairs and she asked Harry how he felt when he saw Ginny with Dean. He put his arm around his weeping friend and remarked tenderly, “It feels like this.”

Although some parts of the astronomy tower climax were tweaked in the film (as mentioned below), I was so glad that Dumbledore’s last words to Snape were reserved intact. My heart sank as his wizened old eyes looked directly at Snape and he implored, “Severus … please.”

Cinematic creative license: I tried not to be too nit-picky about variations from the book, but there were certain things that I expected to see because they seemed so important in the book, and it was awkward to see the scenes played out differently on screen.

I was a little confused and disappointed that Harry was not invisible and immobilized during the scene atop the astronomy tower, but the film version worked ok.

The attention given at he beginning of the film to Slughorn and the importance of his memory was understandable, but I would have liked to have seen a bit more about Dumbledore’s journey to obtain the ring Horcrux. Perhaps the director will devote more attention to that in the final film(s), but it seemed to be glossed over.

I did not see the point in adding the scene about Harry and Ginny chasing Deatheaters into the corn field and having The Burrow burned to the ground. After all, the Weasleys’ home is an important element in the final book! I would have rather seen that 10 minutes or so devoted to something more in line with the story, like the aforementioned Horcrux hunt or the final battle on the grounds as the Deatheaters left Hogwarts with Snape and Malfoy.

Speaking of the final skirmish, I would have liked to have seen more dialogue between Snape and Harry at the end. That interaction is vital to the story, and it sets up Snape’s character all the more for the history that is to be unveiled in the final installment.

Also in that scene, I didn’t understand why they left out Hagrid and his dog, much less the Stunning attack on Professor McGonogal. There was Hagrid’s hut all ablaze, and those of us in the audience who had read the book were confused about why Hagrid didn’t come busting out of his home, fists flying. He just suddenly appeared in the next scene among the crowd as people hovered around to see Dumbledore’s body.

I will say that I didn’t mind skipping Dumbledore’s funeral. I thought the final shot of Fawkes flying into the horizon summed up the scenario nicely.

I also didn’t mind too terribly much that they let Luna find Harry on the train instead of Tonks. I suppose they were trying to portray Tonks as more mature in this film, but I still would have liked to have seen her with her trademark funky-colored hair, etc. She was a bit too conservative in her dress and mannerisms.

All in all, I thought the film was amazing. I’m only disappointed that it will be so long again before we see the final book on screen! I have to wonder how they are going to split the last book into two films. Here’s my guess: I think that Part I will end as Harry sees Snape’s Patronus of a doe, and Part II will pick up with his obtaining Gryffindor’s sword and reuniting with Ron. That’s my hunch; we’ll just have to wait and see!

a lovely sunburn

We’re having a fun time in San Antonio this weekend. The boys and I spent a total of four hours at the hotel pool yesterday!

The boys were quiet until about 7:15am, when I let them turn on the tv. I tried to go back to sleep, but that was a futile wish! ha! We had cinnamon rolls that I brought from HEB and bananas for breakfast. Everyone watched cartoons or played cars for a couple of hours, but by the time 10am rolled around, the natives were restless.

We swam from about 10am – noon, then came back to the room for Goober Strawberry (pb&j) sandwiches with Cheetos, Capri Sun and then Swiss Rolls for dessert. We had “quiet” time where not everyone took a nap, but it was nice to relax in the a/c for a couple of hours.

We went back to the pool from 2-4pm then came back for a Chex Mix break and get dressed for dinner. (They snacked all day but were still hungry! Growing boys!) As soon as Lane got in from his Army job, our famished bunch went to Pappasito’s for dinner.

Funny quotes:

1) A. told J., “It looks like you’re going to have a lovely tan,” then turned to me and said, “It looks like you’ve got a lovely sunburn.”

2) Ry told me, “All the boys are fishies and you’re a motorman.” I asked for him to repeat, b/c I didn’t understand. “You know, Ariel is a motorman! Girls are motormans.” Ohhh … a mermaid! Of course! 😉

I was exhausted (and sunburned – waah), but Lane took the boys swimming AGAIN after we got back from dinner. They stayed about an hour, and thankfully, everyone settled down pretty well for bedtime.

I even got to sleep till 8:30 this morning! Wow! 😉 Right now, we’re finishing packing up all our stuff. When Lane gets here in a few minutes, we’ll check out, load up and head to the Army Family Day festivities, then hit the road for our long drive home.

Walk in the park

It’s like a walk in the park …

… in July, with triple-digit temps, high humidity, flying insects, gravel in your tennis shoes, a cramp in your calf, other peoples’ screaming children running in your path, dog poo on the sidewalk, and bicycles in the pedestrian lane.

Other than that, things are great!

Tongue-in-cheek, yes, I know.

Things are fine; it’s just that sometimes I have to remember to look beyond all those things and notice the birds’ nest, the wildflowers, the children who are playing sweetly together, the elderly couple walking hand-in-hand, the smell of the grass and the beauty of the sunlight against the pond. It doesn’t help to dwell on the disturbances when there is joy to be found all around.

Detour

Lately I’ve been wading through the humbling realization that it’s not about me. I still have dreams, desires, goals and ambitions, but it seems that the “I wants” are on the back burner. My life is not my own. Everything hinges on what the kids need, what their schedules are, where they go, what they eat, how they behave.

It’s funny that this no-brainer revelation has dawned on me in recent days, because it’s not like I’ve been free-wheeling for the past nine and a half years since I became a mom. It’s always been about the boys; I’ve just been along for the ride and trying to pedal fast enough to stay ahead of them by a thin margin so that I can lead them in the right direction. I guess it’s the new group dynamic that has me feeling so introspective.

It’s a lot to grasp. I have to rethink how I shop for groceries, my morning and afternoon commute, bath and bedtime routines – the whole kit and kaboodle. Dinner time has me feeling like a short order cook; no sooner do I have a chance to sit down, then someone is asking for seconds. Bedtime has been challenging, mainly because the arrangement is still new to everyone. It’s going ok; it’s just not “routine” yet.

I keep trying to convince myself that I’ll appreciate the quiet, alone time if I will get up earlier in the morning to exercise, read my Bible or just be. I have some quiet time in the evenings, but I’m still winding down my brain from the day, and it’s hard to really relax and reflect.

The apostle Paul’s letter to the Galatians is full of references about being crucified, figuratively speaking. He talks at length about dying to our old selves and living for Christ, because we have a new focus – a new purpose – in our daily relationship with God. I used to think I understood what that means, but now I’m not entirely certain. I think part of it means coming to terms with God’s plan for your life, even if (especially if?!) it seems to deviate from your own plan … or so you thought. I want to come to the point where I can better appreciate God’s detours.

Rollie pollies

Someone at work yesterday was talking about “pill bugs” getting into her house. I’ve heard the little critters called by several names, including doodle bugs, but we always called them rollie pollies.

Even though my friend was annoyed by the bugs in her house, I had to smile as I thought back to the days when Nathan and I would squat on the sidewalk and observe the rollie pollies. It was always a challenge to see if you could get one to crawl on your finger or hand without startling it into its defensive ball. Sometimes, we would tear off a blade of grass to coax it closer, then hold the grass and let it climb onto our hands. I remember how it tickled when one would walk up my arm.

It’s just a silly little bug, and it’s been decades since I’ve played with one, but thinking about it makes me miss Nathan so very much.

love you, too

Praise God for these precious, sweet moments. The big kids were at a church thing with Lane last night, so I was tucking in the little two.

I gave each of them a hug and kiss on the cheek, then Ry said: “I love you, Mommy,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then Ri said: “I love you, too.”

He’s told his Aunt Angela that he loves her plenty of times over the years, but last night it just felt extra-special.

Boy band

We may not have the next Jonas Brothers band in the making … or maybe we do! 🙂 All the boys love music, and A&J have been taking piano lessons for about a year now. Now that I know how to upload videos to youtube, I’ll try to get more vids posted in the near future. Enjoy! 🙂

J. the composer wrote this song himself, and this morning he mustered the courage to let me videotape him playing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0875W0Jp2U

Here is big brother’s slower tempo version that J. wrote for him to play, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6onE-BJ7chA